Summer. For those who have children old enough, school is out. Winter has finally ended and whatever the hell spring was supposed to be has settled down in to the brain frying heat that is known as summer. Summer is vacation time. Family memories are waiting to be made. The yearly location has been determined after considering everyone’s current interest. Details of scenic picnicking and best photo opportunities have all been meticulously planned over a period of months. Being a well seasoned vacationer with children at this point in my life, I have a few tips to share on how to make the “magic” of the family vacation not turn into a news interview with Anderson Cooper asking why you left your kids with a smashed video game and an iPod that only had one song on it on the side of the road.
First, lower all expectations. This cannot be stressed enough. Regardless of the destination. Our first big family vacation was to take my sweet babies to Disney World. Disney World is the epitome of happiness and joy for any child, right? All the characters that they watch endlessly, everyday for hours on end would be there. Rides. Who does not love characters and rides? This would not be the run of the mill trip to Disney either. Oh no, not for my angels. My daughters would celebrate their 5th birthday in full Disney princess regalia. Every little girls dream birthday, yes? This was to be my dream birthday. I mean to say, their dream birthday. The entire 10 months it took to plan this was done in complete secrecy. The night before telling them, I could barely sleep. The reveal was presented with great fanfare. My excitement was hard to contain as I blurted out “We are going to Disney!!!!!” Dramatic pause… Insert trumpet music and streamers. Cue singing and happy dancing…any minute now. Any… minute… Just wait. Based on the stunned silence, followed by wailing and weeping, you would have thought we yelled “We killed Santa and we beat him to death with puppies.” Apparently all those Disney commercials are not entirely accurate. They did manage to pull themselves together as their parents forced them on the first of many family vacations against their will. Have zero expectations. If you can manage, have negative expectations.
Second piece of advice, bring the entire pharmacy along for any beach trips, especially with young children. Creams, lotions, band-aids, benedryl, fever reducers, literally everything, bring it along. Part of this issues we encountered with going to the beach is my husband and I accidently genetically engineered a subspecies of melanin challenged offspring. The amount of sunscreen it took to keep our children from dying the instant they step into the sunlight was ridiculous. Actual usage for one week.
Not to mention they fight the application of this life saving lotion as if battery acid is being applied to their skin. Inevitably, sunscreen will get into someone’s eye. Wailing, yelling, crying, and claims of blindness follow. Family fun at its finest. Three hours later, after everyone has been properly sunscreened, and sight has been restored, we and the miniature vampires finally make it down to the sand and surf. Sand, in and of itself, is evil. Sand and children are just a disaster. Why the first introduction to sand wrecked so much havoc is uncertain. Maybe just being outside confused my children. Maybe their little systems were unable to process the sudden rush of Vitamin D. Maybe they just aren’t as smart as I like to tell myself. However, when the question of “who put sand in your vag” is now a literally question in addition to a figurative one, it is time to wrap things up. In an effort to purge the evil sand from their tiny, translucent bodies, we drag them in to the emerald green, crystal clear, wonderfully cool ocean. The ocean tries to kill them immediately. Turns out salt water and eczema is a bad combination. Real bad. Also, jellyfish have an affinity for small children. By the end of the week, the pool was the favorite hang out spot.
Third piece of advice for traveling with kids is do not expect them to suddenly become enthralled with the world around them or engaged with their parents. If they are buttheads at home, they will be buttheads a thousand miles from home. Even if you have driven hours and hours (and hours) to surround them with serenity and beauty. This holds true whether watching “Old Faithful” erupt with a few thousand of your closest friends or if you trying not to die while climbing out of the cliff dwellings in Mesa Verde.
The “Grand Canyon” with all its splendor and glory becomes a giant hole in the ground. Yellowstone and Badlands national parks did at least spark conversation. They actually looked up from their phones. I almost cried, but had no moisture left. We did determine that “Badlands” was translated from old Native American language meaning “really, really hot killer of transmission.” Yellowstone, while beautiful, feels like being in a sauna used to steam rotten eggs. Glacier National park was stunning, the only drawback to this came, not from the kids, but from the hubs who constantly pointed out it was not Colorado. They get the asshole gene from somewhere.
This may all sound as if I am trying to discourage vacationing with your children. Not even a little. Vacationing with your children truly does create memories, but do not expect THE dream vacation. They do not exist. Tempers will flare, some yelling may occur. One of more of your children may have an allergic reaction to cheap sunscreen. So, before leaving them on the side of the road, realize the memories are priceless. If you can find the funny and know ahead of time that everyone has a little asshole in them, the trip may go a bit smoother. Laugh it off and take as many pictures as possible.
I will add a plug for our National State Parks. They may seem lame and nerdy, but they are national treasures. Yellowstone, The Grand Tetons, Glacier, Mesa Verde are a few we have visited. National landmarks as well. Colorado is stunning as well, but it is no Glacier Montana. Visit them before they disappear. http://www.nps.gov
OMG this is like the really long ass version of your tweets, just what I needed this Sunday that of all seven days in a week, most qualifies as “vacation morning”. There is an asshole and a bitch in every child, that’s true. If we deny that fact and only think of them as angels we’re only going to weep to ourselves in our 2 hours of sleep. Why else would my 2 yo son grind his entire bodyweight onto the loose skin hanging off edges of my feet even though I never cease to yelp. I’m so jealous you’ve such an excellent memory and you’ve got an amazing ability to write as if these all just happened yesterday. And thank you for sharing the pics of your beautiful kids.
Vacationing again this summer?
Cheers,
Connie
http://www.sassy.mom